Dora the Freakin' Explorer Rants
by Maranafox412
Summary: Rants about our favorite cartoon Dora the Explorer, written by icefox425 and Maranareef! R&R please! New chapter will be posted whenever the two authoresses have a sleepover and spare time again.


**A/N: Hi!!! This is my first fic, and I'm writing it with my awesome BFF Icefox425 (FOUR TWO FIVE). Ok, so the inspiration for this fanfic came when Icefox425, Froststar423, and I were randomly reading Dora Rants…….soooo…On with the fic! Oh, but before I do, the italics is Icefox and the regular print is me.**

**Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, own Dora the Explorer. ;D**

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So first off, the characters in Dora the Explorer are, of course, Dora, Boots, Swiper, and all their little retarded animal friends. So keep that in mind. Almost every character in the freaking show is an animal besides Dora and her 'do-whatever-you-like' parents. And maybe that talking backpack and poser map.

Second, DORA IS FIVE. Keep that in mind while you read this.

Third…I dunno. I just needed a third.

_Ok, I'm taking the stage. Really, tell me, how can a map and a backpack speak?!? And how can they speak Spanish!!! It's strange._

Because it's a television show that is SUPPOSED to be educating 2-5 year old children. In magical worlds where everyone speaks both Spanish and English and there are even stars that speak Spanish, the supposedly inanimate objects have to too.

_Swiper can't speak Spanish, don't forget about him. It's strange, but I have a soft spot for that fox. Anyone who can withstand a little girl, day after day, yelling 'Swiper noooo swiping' without going berserk deserves some credit. I don't know how he does it. I truly don't. Dora would have had her mouth duct-taped shut by now If Ice (fox alter-ego) were to sub for Swiper. Of course, Swiper's way of stealing things is…….pitiful. _

I know. He just takes from them and throws it RIGHT behind them, screaming, "YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT NOW HAHAHA!!!" And then it's even rare if he steals anything at all. Usually, Dora just puts her fat little hand up in front of her oversized face and yells, "SWIPER NOOOOO SWIPING!" And by then, Boots is probably crying because Swiper took his precious little blanket or whatever, which he should have left at home anyway.

_New topic, Boots. _

Oh God, Boots. A blue monkey in red boots that look wayyy too big for his feet. Sure, he can walk around in them, and swing around in trees and stuff without them falling off, and then there's that one episode where he steps right out of them or something and Swiper comes up and grabs them, throws them right behind Boots and Dora, and screams "YOU'LL NEVER FIND THEM NOW!!!" with that 'evil' laugh before running off. Note: I use evil VERY loosely.

_Also, how did Dora even get Boots? Maybe her parents got her a normal monkey for Christmas, and she pitched an 'adorable' little fit, screaming "I WANTED IT TO BE BLUE AND HAVE BOOTS AND SPEAK SPANISH!!!!" and her parents, wanting to please their wonderful little angel (more like a tyrant), dumped the monkey in blue paint, slapped some red boots on its feet, and gave it a surgery so it could have human vocal chords. _

Even then she was probably still upset over something. "IT'S STOMACH ISN'T BLUE, IT'S YELLOW!!!" I bet she screamed, but maybe her parents actually took a stand and told her to get the heck over it. So she bought it a tree house because she didn't want monkey crap in her room, and it follows her everywhere she goes because, to put it bluntly, the stupid creature has no life. If it had any sense at all, it would go to, oh, I don't know, maybe an animal cruelty shelter? But until he gets hit hard enough in the head when Swiper tries to throw something over him and misses he'll never get some sense and leave her.

_Yup, I agree. What to rant now, what to rant now. Oh! I have something! The animals. How the crap can they speak. Maybe her parents gave them all vocal chords, except for Swiper, who seems to have gotten different vocal chords. Remember, he can't speak Spanish. Maybe some company has some grudge against Dora, and gave a fox vocal chords without Spanish-speaking ability. Maybe Swiper's some sort of dumb sniper._

Really. What animals are there again? A cow, the fox, the iguana, and that crazy squirrel. I seriously think the squirrel has something wrong with him. He talks so fast in Spanish that even bilingual people probably can't understand, and something must have gone wrong because there's not a word of English that he understands. It's all Spanish. . Except in, like, Spanish, which makes it even worse.

_I'm not aiming to offend anyone, but maybe he's an immigrant. _

Maybe he is. That vest he wears 24/7 makes it seem like he came here straight from a Mexican celebration or fiesta or whatever. Right over the border in the cheesy little yellow car of his that always seems to break down and fall apart in the worst places.

_M'K, next topic; the map and the backpack. How the heck can they talk? You can't give inanimate objects human vocal chords and expect them to start talking. They will at least need to have a brain, eyes, and a mouth to start. Maybe they are a new hybrid species bred in Dora's parents' lab. Maybe they are what Swiper is trying to get. Dora's parents stole the plans for the map and backpack, and Swiper was hired to get it back. However, the surgery on Swiper went screwy, so he was slightly messed up, and can only hide the things, hoping that his company's henchmen will reach the hiding place and retrieve the objects before Dora finds it. It fails, though._

I bet the map and backpack were some illegal science experiment that Dora's parents stole from Area 51. Bringing inanimate objects to life seems to be a new fad or something. I dunno, it's just some screwy situation where everyone loses. Dora will eventually have her talking objects stolen and thrown behind her, Swiper will be fired, the crazy squirrel will be arrested by border police, and all their lives will collapse as every one of them go to live somewhere similar to Alcatraz.

**A/N: Okay, well that's the end for now. Check back next week for more, written by Icefox425 (FOUR TWO FIVE) and Maranareef. Thanks for reading! **_**Reviews are greatly loved and cherished. Flames will be laughed at, but constructive criticism is accepted. Bye for now!**_


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